So, I have had a thing with this guy for a while. He is honestly the perfect guy. Attractive, funny, athletic, and just a great guy. Except, perfect cannot exist. There is always that one menacing flaw that keeps you from being the perfect couple. He is afraid to commit. Yep, He is one of those. It really annoys me because it makes our pathetic relationship an open book. It is never going to work out and I keep thinking, “why even bother anymore?” I want to be something with him, but, in all honesty, he just doesn’t know how to operate a relationship. Yes, I just said it. No matter how much I talk about it with him, he never changes. It is always the same bull. So, it is the old decision. Stay in limbo and hope for improvement? or get out and hope to find someone who will commit?
My relationships always end up the same way: a fight and then silence. I always end up starring at myself in the mirror wondering what I did wrong. Wondering if there is something different I could have said. Love is tricky in this way, we always want to blame ourselves. But the truth is, he can’t handle me. He needs to learn how to love and not get defensive when he does something wrong. Making me feel bad for your mistakes it what a 5 year old does. Sometimes, we need to step back from these situations and analyze them correctly. Texting him all the time will not magically make him respond. So, sorry I told someone I am in love with you. Sorry you cannot handle any serious relationships. Sorry you are afraid of commitment. Sorry that you are immature. And lastly, I am sorry you ain’t good enough for me.
Hopefully you realize.
That question still puzzles me to this day. For two years, the same guy has given me grief. On and off, up and down. It really is a dysfunctional relationship, but I am almost convinced that I could not breathe without him. Even though he is gone, it is like he is here. We fight. We argue. We laugh. We cry. But no matter what I do, I can’t leave. It is merely impossible. I have tried numerous times, but it is hard. So, I ask again, “What is love?” Is it accommodating? Is it giving up the things you believe? Is it butterflies in your stomach? Is it ignoring calls until the fight is over? Is it pretending everything is fine, even when it is totally wrong? So many questions.
But that is why love is so great. Everyone likes a good mystery.
People tell me that moving on is the only option to mending a broken heart. Well let’s put it this way: just because you put a band-aid on scar it ain’t healing shit. Just hiding it. I have noticed that everyday seems to get WORSE, not better. I still check my phone and hope he has called. I still check Facebook, hoping that he has messaged me. It is quite sad. I still check up on him to see what he is doing. I guess love does that to you. My bestfriend says that I can’t possible know what love is. I am way too young. Bullshark. I put my heart into the people I date, it is only fair. So when they leave me, it is like they took part of me. So screw moving on, I just want to live how I am. MUTUAL. I want answers. I am going to wait until I get them.
I noticed that I have not posted in a good like 6 months or so. This post is going to be about love. I hate that word. L O V E. People say it but that always doesn’t make it real. Recently, I noticed that it is really just a word. You can tell someone you love them but that doesn’t always mean you do. The “love” of my life left me in the dust without even saying goodbye. Not even a word. I always think to when he told me he loved me. It seems all like such a lie. The significance of the word has been drained. Next time I say, “I love you” I am REALLY going to mean it. You can’t just say it as filler, it only makes life harder. After my abandonment, I blamed myself. I did not LOVE myself. It was then that I came to the conclusion that I need to LOVE myself before anyone else can.
Why do we have to hate people? There was a time when we really felt the love flowing through our veins, but now it is gone. Even though we share classes together it is like we are standing alone in a crowed room. I wonder if he even remembers me. Or if he even thinks about me. I think about him and that is for sure. Going on dates is just so lame, because my heart has not healed from the last. time to go. time to grow
Resentment is a word that haunts me all the time. I do not want to be the one to hold a grudge when it ended. Looking back on everything, I now just laugh. I laugh at how awkward yet relaxed we were together. Even if he wants to hide the fact that we had something, I am fine with that. It has been hard to get over it and seeing him is a little painful. For 3 months I ignored him, hoping that if I did I would ignore my feelings for him. I now think it was because I was embarassed or maybe because if I could go back to september 14th I would do it all over again. I would have said something a little different and maybe we still could be friends instead of enemies. I feel nonexsistent to him. A smile or nod here or there is not how it was supposed to end up. A spontaneous text every once in a while does not make it better. You hurt me, and that is why I do hold some resentment. That is why I could not cheer myself up. I think that this happened for a reason. My Romeo is right around the corner. :)
The light is breaking through the darkness.
The day you meet that one person is the day love opens your eyes. Everything from then on is going great. You start waking up before the alarm clock and getting out of bed doesn’t seem too bad. Then your whole day is filled with smiles and laughs just because of that one person. Your heart stops when you look at them, and beats faster than the speed of light when you are with them. Every word is on replay in your head, and everytime you touch it is like heaven. Then one day, it is all gone. Waking up in the morning is difficult. Smiling seems like a chore and laughing is nails on a chalkboard. That is the day when you realize the past is no longer the present. Your heart now feels empty without emotion. Seeing that person that made your heart beat faster seems impossible. Sad songs flow through your soul.
but now the sun is coming out again. Even though I miss the past, I can never get it back. So this is my truce, goodbye to you.
I want the world to hear what i have to say. I am tired of holding back. I will play my guitar in front of thousands. i want that, but so does everyone else. I can do this if i try. Help me find my way
